Radiostorm and Michael get down to business, previewing a whack-load of games from the Wii U’s launch window… IN ONE PARAGRAPH OR LESS.
Call of Duty: Black Ops II
Radiostorm: It’s strange to think that Nintendo will have the highest fidelity version of this game on any console. Then again, it’s strange to think that any serious Call of Duty player would want to buy a Wii U.
Michael: Call of Duty is a shooting game for the masses – a bit like like Halo – and I’m sure it will find at least a small audience on an otherwise shooter-deprived platform.
Radiostorm: It’s no surprise that Skylanders is coming to the Wii U. The franchise has basically been a license to print money for Activision, and like it or not, the Wii U is the most kid-friendly console on the market for the Christmas season. If I were eight years old, I would be all over this.
Michael: Skylanders Giants: Bigger Toys, Bigger Profits.
Radiostorm: I’m waiting for this game to transform into something I care about.
Michael: I’m waiting for this game to transform into something… ah crap.
Radiostorm: This game would benefit from a hardcore mode that killed off each contestant if they fell off the obstacle course. So would the show.
Michael: I had a friend who was on Wipeout once. She had to make a fake persona for herself to pass the audition, which involved farting a whole bunch and generally acting like a fool. It imagine it was a pretty demeaning, and rather indicative of the reality TV experience.
I guess what I’m trying to say here is that this game will likely smell like farts.
Epic Mickey 2: The Power of Two
Radiostorm: The first Epic Mickey suffered from being substantially less interesting than it’s concept art. Players expected a dire steampunk reimagining of the Disney universe but ended up with a fairly pedestrian 3D platformer. Still, I’m willing to give this one a chance for nostalgia’s sake.
Michael: Despite my disappointment with the first game, this franchise is still one of the most interesting applications of a Disney IP currently on the market.
FIFA Soccer 13
Radiostorm: I fell asleep during a championship match of the World Cup this year, so I’m not exactly the best person to critique a soccer game. It’s the sport with the peach baskets, right?
Michael: Did you know you can take a super-powerful shot by drop kicking your Wii-mote into the television screen? It will totally bend like Beckham.
Tekken Tag Tournament 2
Radiostorm: Tekken has always been my least favourite of the major fighting franchises. Regardless, I’m horrified to think of how hard button combinations will be to pull off on that clunky wedge of a controller.
Michael: Apparently there are going to be Mario power-ups in this game, such as Mega Mushrooms and Poison Mushrooms, and character costumes based on Nintendo franchises like Star Fox and Zelda. Eep.
New Super Mario Bros. U
Radiostorm: The “new” moniker becomes progressively more ironic every time Nintendo churns out other identical sequel. This one has Yoshi in it I guess? Regardless, I’m sure New Super Mario Bros. U will sell enough copies for Miyamoto to add another wing to his golden floating fortress.
Michael: Mario will ascend to new heights in this game… by jumping off Yoshi’s back, and dumping his body in a crevasse. A classic maneuver.
Ninja Gaiden: Razor’s Edge
Radiostorm: An enhanced port of a fairly average game. The name recognition doesn’t hurt though, and kids these days do love their ninjas.
Michael: Enhanced, complete, and revised editions of big releases are going to be the bread and butter of the Wii U. Ninja Gaiden seems like an odd choice though, as it is a hardcore gamer’s game on a family oriented system.
Radiostorm: The Wii U’s flagship title is cute, simple, and ultimately benign. It’s the game for people who don’t know anything about games, and it’s sure to be popular with your kids, grandparents, or girlfriend. Nintendo loses points for not having a minigame where Mario has to clean puke off the tilt-a-whirl with his water pack from Super Mario Sunshine.
Michael: This is the Wii U’s equivalent of Wii Sports, and is intended to teach basic controller functionality while advertising other Nintendo franchises. It will be a fun and colourful game that will sell about ten hojillion copies.
Radiostorm: I knew even before I Googled this game that “Call Me Maybe” would be on the track list. I think I feel a migraine coming on…
Michael: I can never by this game due to the glaring omission of Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett.