Final Fantasy VI is devouring my free time. I was never able to beat the game when I was young due to an unreliable game battery in my cartridge and a crippling lack of attention span, so I’ve decided to take another stab at it in the throws of my adulthood.
Unlike my attempts to play EarthBound again, enough time has elapsed since I’ve last played Final Fantasy VI that I’m not just sleepwalking through it. My dedication to avoiding all stat bonuses gained from espers is also adding a welcome dimension of difficulty to an otherwise easy game. Y’all seem to like retro titles, so I’ll be making periodic updates about my progress every once and a while.
A Note to Terra
Terra, lighten the fuck up. Finding out you’re half-esper is like finding out your dad is Superman. You have nigh-unlimited magical power and can transform into an unstoppable flying conduit of death at will; stop being such a pathetic schoolgirl of a character. Gau’s dad abandoned him in magical Africa because he thought he was a demon, and even that boy can crack a joke every once and a while. If you keep being such a downer, I’m picking you up last in the World of Ruin.
A Note to Locke
Locke, you’re my best friend as long as you have a Genji Glove. But if you ever lose it, you’re getting locked in the airship’s brig alongside Gau and Umaro. It smells awful in there.
A Note to Edgar
Edgar, take a break. You turned every enemy in the South Figaro caves into swiss cheese with your Autocrossbow. You cleared out the mines of Narshe singlehandedly while Terra and Banon sat in the back row twiddling their thumbs. And just when I think your raw killing potential couldn’t get any higher, the game hands you a fucking chainsaw. Just kick back and play some Texas hold’em on the airship with that guy who unequips your party members – you’ve earned it.
A Note to Sabin
Sabin, why do you hate me. I pressed the right blitz input, I know I did. Use your Fire Dance. No, don’t just stand there and sparkle! Ugh, why was I so much better at this when I was ten-years old?
A Note to Cyan
Sorry Cyan, but I have to jump on the hate bandwagon here. Edgar and Sabin can do everything you can do except better. Given that most battles last less than 20 seconds, the six to eight week delivery estimate on Quadra Slam doesn’t quite cut it. I got some mileage out of you in the first quarter of the game by spamming Dispatch from the back row, but by the time we hit the Magitek Research Facility you had lost your lustre. You’ll make a fine imp in the World of Ruin.
A Note to Setzer
Wait, you can time the reels by pausing? Setzer, you magnificent bastard.
Terra, gah. I have trouble playing the game thanks to her. It’s not just that she’s a downer, she’s also strikingly wangsty. The whole world is literally going to Hell and when our reporters reached her for comment, Terra was heard to inquire, “Um, what is love? Can a person like me feel love?”
Girl, there’s so much wrong with your priorities that I can’t even begin to unpack it. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but we’ve got three rather crucial statues out of alignment, continental drift on a global scale, and a psychotic demigod of magic spraying fiery laser urine from the top of his tower.
I guess what I’m saying is “Cry me a river. Then build a bridge and GET OVER IT.”